If you are looking for some hilarious marriage quotes to add fun element to your wedding, then this post is for you. Here we are sharing 150 funny marriage quotes for you that you can use in your wedding invites, wedding signage, and wedding social media updates.
150 Funny Marriage Wishes, Messages and Quotes
Let’s get started…….
1. “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
2. “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” —Cher
3. “Love is one long sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock!” — Zeenat Essa
4. “In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
5. “Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” — Zig Ziglar TC mark
6. “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell
7. “The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’” — Anonymous
8. “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” — Socrates
9. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” — Prince Philip
10. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner
11. “Love is a sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.” — Jewish Proverb
12. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” — Albert Einstein
13. “There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.” — Oscar Wilde
14. “All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
15. “Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.” — Neil Simon
16. “Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
17. “Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years you need a club and spade.” — Carrie
18. “Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
19. “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” — Michel de Montaigne
20. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” — Benjamin Franklin
21. “A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” — NOT A BOOK
22. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” — Ann Bancroft
23. “Marriage must incessantly contend with a monster that devours everything: familiarity.” — Honore de Balzac
24. “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” — Michel de Montaigne
25. “Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” — Jean Kerr
26. “To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” — Ogden Nash
27. “I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.” — Steven Wright
28. “Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
29. “Marriage is when a man loses his bachelor’s degree and woman gets her master’s degree.” — Rama Kochhar
30. “When you have a baby, love is automatic, when you get married, love is earned.” — Marie Osmond
31. “Marriage – a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose.” — Beverley Nichols
32. “Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.” — G. K. Chesterton
33. “Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” — Stephen Leacock
34. “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” — Erma Bombeck
35. “All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
36. “Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.” — Richard Pryor
37. “If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
38. “They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
39. “Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.” — Eddie Cantor
40. “An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband.” — Booth Tarkington
41. “Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.” — Elbert Hubbard
42. “Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” — Natasha Leggero
43. “I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life” — Anonymous
44. “I married beneath me, all women do.” — Nancy Astor
45. “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.” — Albert Einstein
46. “In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.” — Woody Allen
47. “Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” — Jerry Seinfeld
48. “Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
49. “Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.” — John Wilmot
50. “Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.” — Yoko Ono
52. “Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.” — H.L. Mencken
53. “Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.” — Mickey Rooney
54. “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
55. “Marry a man your own age; As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” — Phyllis Diller
56. “Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” — Helen Rowland 57. “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.” — Billy Connolly
58. “The only mistake for which people are congratulated is marriage.” — Ratna Deep
59. “More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.” — Doug Larson
60. “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” — Albert Einstein
61. “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” — Erma Bombeck
62. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell
63. “You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.” — Henny Youngman
64. “The brain is the most outstanding organ. It works 24/7, 365 from birth until you fall in love.” — Sophie Monroe
65. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” — Charles M. Schulz
66. “Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.” — Evelyn Hendrickson
67. “True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one.” — La Rochefoucauld
68. “True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.” — Erich Segal
69. “Where love is the case, the doctor is an ass.” — English Proverb
70. “The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” — Rick Reilly
71. “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” — Jean Illsley Clarke
72. “A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.” — Brendan Francis
73. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” — Benjamin Franklin
74. “Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one.” — Fran Lebowitz
75. “Besides chocolate, you’re my favourite.” — Anonymous
76. “Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” — Richard Jeni
77. “Marriage is like watching the color of leaves in the fall; ever changing and more stunningly beautiful with each passing day.” — Fawn Weaver
78. “Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” — George Burns
79. “Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.” — Thomas Dewar
80. “My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked.” — Winston Churchill
81. “I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” — Wendy Liebman
82. “Love is a lot like a backache; It doesn’t show up on X-Rays, But you know it’s there.” — George Burns
83. “We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops” — Henny Youngman
84. “They say love is blind…and marriage is an institution. Well, I’m not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.” — Mae West
85. “I love you like a fat kid loves cake.” — Quote from 50 Cents
86. “Men aren’t necessities, they’re luxuries.” — Cher
87. “What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” — Cindy Garner
88. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” — Groucho Marx
89. “They say true love hides behind every corner, I must be walking in circles.” — Anonymous
90. “Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.” — Joan Rivers
91. “If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.” — Katharine Hepburn
92. “My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes on tuesdays, I go Fridays.” — Henry Youngman
93. “If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.” — Sigmund Freud
94. “Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park.” — Anonymous
95. “For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.” — Catherine Zeta-Jones
96. “Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.” — H. L. Mencken
97. “Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.” — Anonymous
98. “My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.” — Jack Benny
99. “Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.” — Woody Allen
100. “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” — Steve Martin
101. “Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: You have to start over again every morning.” — H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
102. “Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
103. “Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join.” — Elbert Hubbard
104. “The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.” — Woody Allen
105. “Marriage marks the end of many short follies – being one long stupidity.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
106. “An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” — Agatha Christie
107 “I love you even when I’m really, really hungry” — Anonymous
108. “Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.” — Cathy Carlyle
109. “The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.” — Anonymous
110. “Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.” — Woody Allen
111. “All marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.” —Shelley Winters
112. “If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” — Lily Tomlin
113. “Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” — Ogden Nash
114. “Marriage is like vitamins: We supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” — Anonymous
115. “Love is a grave mental disease.” — Plato
116. “Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else.” — Jean Kerr
117. “A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor
118. “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.” — Joan Crawford
119. “Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore.” — Bree Luckey
120. “When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.” — Helen Rowland
121. “It’s been so long since I made love, I can’t even remember who gets tied up.” — Joan Rivers
122. “Love is the seventh sense, which destroys all the other six senses.” — Anonymous
123. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.” — Joyce Brothers
124. “A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.” — Anonymous
125. “People should fall in love with their eyes closed.” — Andy Warhol
126. “The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.” — Groucho Marx
127. “In marriage do thou be wise: prefer the person before money virtue before beauty, the mind before the body, then thou hast a wife, a friend, a companion, a second self.” — William Penn
128. “Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener” — Pauline Thomason
129. “Love doesn’t drop on you unexpectedly; you have to give off signals, sort of like an amateur radio operator.” — Helen Gurley Brown
130. “Love is like a tornado, picks you up off your feet and sometimes takes half your house.” — Anonymous
131. “Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions.” — Tommy Dewar
132. “I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soulmate – but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.” — Alf Whit
133. “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry Me.” — Winston-churchill
134. “If I get married, I want to be very married.” — Audrey Hepburn
135. “It is impossible to love and be wise.” — Francis Bacon
136. “Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” — Joseph Barth
137. “Marriage is a risk; I think it’s a great and glorious risk, as long as you embark on the adventure in the same spirit.” — Cate Blanchett
138. “People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.” — Bob Hope
139. “To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.” — Mark Twain
140. “The highest happiness on earth is marriage.” — William Lyon Phelps
141. “What the world really needs is more love and less paper work.” — Pearl Bailey
142. “One should believe in marriage as in the immortality of the soul.” — Honoré de Balzac
143. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.” — Joyce Brothers
144. “Love is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill & not doing it because you’d miss them!” — Anonymous
145. “A good marriage is that in which each appoints the other the guardian of his solitude, and shows him this confidence, the greatest in his power to bestow.” — Rainer Maria Rilke
146. “Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.” — Anonymous
147. “To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” — Ogden Nash 148. “Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature.” — From Letters to Juliet
149. “Marriage is a workshop….. Where husband works and wife shops.” — Anonymous
150. “Husbands and wives are so irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?” — Janet Periat
AND FINALLY……
So, these are the funniest marriage quotes which you can use in your wedding. These marriage quotes will simply add to the fun part of your wedding. You can even make your wedding speech hilarious with these funny quotes on marriage.
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